Note - the picture to the right is not related to any dicks in this post.

Yesterday sucked. I was supposed to do two interviews and neither happened. I was supposed to do a photo shoot but I couldn’t find my way around Bushwick - I must of walked in 20 circles and than a group of guys wouldn’t stop following me and harassing me[I wonder if they know that I know what they’re saying, horrible]. I looked at my phone. Dead. Of course the battery runs out when I need it. I managed to get back to my apartment where I practically collapsed from the heat outside and my frustration regarding not being able to get to the shoot.

Part of yesterday Did Not Suck though but I did suck. I had a date at my apartment. I made cucumber and tofu “cream cheese” sandwiches, fruit salad and mimosas. The professor and I read my dirty vintage bdsm personals magazine from the 70s.  We ended up making out hardcore which progressed to my performing fellatio[it sounds so much classier when you say it that way]. And I love giving blow jobs so that was good times.

Otherwise everything was a mess yesterday although there are valid reasons for everything.

Photos by Daze.

Last July I lost one of my best friends to suicide, another was in a car accident, I was still dealing with the life of being an ex junkie….and on top of this my laptop was stolen by my crackhead and I lost all my money and wallet at the time when I was mugged, I also had my purse with my new ipod etc stolen. It was than I learned that material possessions are so little compared to life.

The purse has been mailed to my parents house with all my cards, [expensive] makeup in it - the ipod was gone but I was just going to give it away. Frog ran into someone who brought my laptop for $50 tonight - I possibly might be able to get back some files that mean a lot to me - pictures of my friend and I before she died, my family vacation in Ireland - though that’s more for my mother than anything. I’ve found closure with my friends death, realizing the happiness she may of found now that she never did in life. My other friend turned out to be someone I didn’t think she was and she broke my heart…not nearly as hard as my friend who died did but close.

Everything comes full circle.

I value being clean of cocaine, and the love I have from my true friends and family. As well as the opportunities and perspectives I have gained through my experiences.

I’m thankful to be able to live in the city of my dreams and to have a future and the ability to leave behind my past.

I just want anyone going through a hard time to know….it always gets better

Always.

Just tough it out.

God bless.

xoxo

Sinead

“One day I’ll look back at the day I lost my best friend after she started hanging with guidos and became republican and laugh”

“You’re already laughing”

Photo by Daze.

So one year to this day I made a commitment to facing my addiction to cocaine, seeking help, and never again putting that shit up my nose. It’s been a rough years mostly of downs but with a few ups one being what sobriety has granted me…such as being able to separate my true friends from the rest, being able to focus on my school, art and career more seriously, and confront my demons and no longer run from them.

To this day I’ve had one friend die from drug use and another friend whos drug use most defintally contributed to her eventual suicide. I’ve had multiple friends overdose and almost die.

Despite being off cocaine for a year I still have to deal with medical and mental issues that stem mostly from my usage. I lost a year to my life. The year I was addicted to cocaine I barely did anything except party or get high.

To my loved ones, my friends, strangers who read this blog, who still put this drug up your nose[or ass, or inject or smoke it] I ask that you take a serious look at what you’re doing.

“With chronic cocaine intake, brain cells functionally adapt (respond) to strong imbalances of transmitter levels in order to compensate extremes. So receptors disappear from or reappear on the cell surface, resulting more or less in an “off” or “working mode” respectively, or they change their susceptibility for binding partners (ligands) – mechanisms called down-/upregulation. Chronic cocaine use leads to a DAT upregulation, further contributing to depressed mood states. Finally, a loss of vesicular monoamine transporters, neurofilament proteins, and other morphological changes appear to indicate a long term damage of dopamine neurons.

All these effects contribute to the rise in an abuser’s tolerance thus requiring a larger dosage to achieve the same effect. The lack of normal amounts of serotonin and dopamine in the brain is the cause of the dysphoria and depression felt after the initial high. The diagnostic criteria for cocaine withdrawal is characterized by a dysphoric mood, fatigue, unpleasant dreams, insomnia or hypersomnia, E.D., increased appetite, psychomotor retardation or agitation, and anxiety.

Cocaine abuse also has multiple physical health consequences. It is associated with a lifetime risk of heart attack that is seven times that of non-users. During the hour after cocaine is used, heart attack risk rises 24-fold.

Side effects from chronic smoking of cocaine include chest pain, lung trauma, shortness of breath, sore throat, hoarse voice, dyspnea, and an aching, flu-like syndrome. A common misconception is that the smoking of cocaine chemically breaks down tooth enamel and causes tooth decay. However, cocaine does often cause involuntary tooth grinding, known as bruxism, which can deteriorate tooth enamel and lead to gingivitis[citation needed].

Chronic intranasal usage can degrade the cartilage separating the nostrils (the septum nasi), leading eventually to its complete disappearance. Due to the absorption of the cocaine from cocaine hydrochloride, the remaining hydrochloride forms a dilute hydrochloric acid.[1]

Cocaine may also greatly increase this risk of developing rare autoimmune or connective tissue diseases such as lupus, Goodpasture’s disease, vasculitis, glomerulonephritis, Stevens-Johnson syndrome and other diseases.[12][13][14][15] It can also cause a wide array of kidney diseases and renal failure.[16][17] While these conditions are normally found in chronic use they can also be caused by short term exposure in susceptible individuals.

There have been published studies[citation needed] reporting that cocaine causes changes in the frontal lobe of the brain. The full extent of possible brain deterioration from cocaine use is not known.”

Seriously people…why are you still doing cocaine? Why can’t we party without it?

Doesn’t it seem a bit pathetic to only be able to party with addictive illegal substance?

Also keep in mind by supporting your local drug dealer your supporting more than just some asshole who divides up coke and baby aspirin into baggies for a living…you’re supporting addictions, illegal activity, violence, wars that are responsible for the deaths of innocent men and women…

PS I’ve been crying a lot of happy tears since last night.

• I spent the morning of the 24 puking for about eight hours straight due to food poisoning. Family came over for dinner and I almost passed out during desert. Awesome!
• My mother gave me a coffee maker. I do not drink coffee[avid tea drinker] but she brought it so that when she comes to my apartment she can drink coffee. Apparently the thing of instant coffee I keep around isn’t good enough. It’s kind of hilarious in  a way I suppose..
• On the other hand I got some ill gifts - a shit ton of nozzles for spray painting from my brother and a le tigre dress I had my eye on and told my mother. The way that thing hugs my body without being revealing - dammmmn girl.
• And my gifts were well loved - I brought my mom an assortment of nice lotions that she would probably kill me if she knew how much I spent on them. Only the best of the best for Mommy though!
• Also Pee Wee Herman - no wonder I’m so fucking gay. GAY GAY GAY. I’m sorry. I’m just loving the word Gay lately. You know what todays secret word of the day is? GAY. You know what you do when I say GAY. SCREAM. GAY AHHHHHH.
• I want to smuggle my parents cat Tippy home because he is so overweight and awesome but every time they catch me bagging him they yell at me. But seriously he’s just like a giant cuddle monster pillow.

I mean really
HOW COULD THAT NOT MAKE YOU HAPPY
Just cont on with it via YouTube - the WHOLE christmas special is there!
Yay!

In one of those rash decision sort of things I like to do I cut my hair off. I don’t know…ugh maybe once I get it bleached and cleaned up things will be ill again. Unfourtantly I’m not going to have time to get my hair done till after the 7th.

I’ll be upstate Westchester till the eve of the 25. One day to get my shit together in NYC on the 26. Than 27 - 4 - Fl, near Miami so give me a hollar if you want to chill with my girl Yumna and I. Than I get back and two straight days shooting with Burning Angel. Also going to Baltimore to shoot on the 13th.

I’ve been in a hermit rut lately and have barely seen any of my people. I miss you all but I’m just not feeling social. Hopefully I snap out of it after Fl.

I’m doing my first soft bondage shoot tmr. Woo ropes and stuff:

aye aye aye

Ok while I’m waiting to get hot water[apparentlly according to my super this may take 20minutes - WTF]. Lets celebrate camel toe:

Remember the days when we actually enjoyed seeing Spears camel toe:

Out of all fairness my own cameltoe:

Marc Jacobs does not celebrate the cameltoe:

Were you aware of the vast amount of websites devoted to cameltoe?

There’s rate cameltoes for those tired of kitten war. There’s cameltoe tv for those of you who really get off to it. Also cameltoe.org.

And of course, the infamous, Fannypack’s Camel Toe:

I still don’t have hot water. FUCK.

OK now POST PICTURES OF CAMELTOES IN THE COMMENTS!

I’m turning 20.

I think 20 is a more meaningful birthday than 21….mostly because being able do anything legally has never met shit to me. But the idea that I’ve been alive two decades and will no longer be a teenager is comforting, and disturbing at the same time.

This year has been rough. I’ve had some really beautiful moments but mostly I’ve found myself in a lot of pain and the realization that things don’t get easier, you just learn to cope.

Sept.9, 2006 started with my amazing birthday party and than finding out a friend had od-ed and was hospitalized. I was still a drug addict, and dated my drug dealer which finally made me reach what I suppose were my lowest lows in being a cocaine addict. I originally tried to quit that December and ended up going strong for two and half weeks before going back. The death of another friend and a binge that ended up in a severe crashing nervous break down finally made me seek rehab. I went to rehab while in school and ended up doing really shitty at school. My favorite professor passed away. Getting clean was like learning how to walk again except I was learning how to live again. It was also paranoia, nervous breakdowns, not being able to sleep and having to cut people out. I relapsed once and it was the most horrible thing in the world - I’m not proud of relapsing but in a way it was important for me as it led me to many realizations and in many ways just another part of my recovery. I dated a guy who didn’t give a shit about me and I mostly felt like his trophy, I loved him or so I thought but eventually I knew he wasn’t good enough for me. He still broke my heart though and I will never date a human of so little character and depth again. A very close friend of mine passed away in July, and still isn’t a day I don’t think of her - losing her was the hardest thing I went though this year. July and August was a lot of misfortune[thefts, roommate not paying rent] and just me trying to make it through the motions.

There’s so much more to this year but to write it all would be a novel.

So this Sunday on Sept.9, 2007 - I’ll be 20.

It feels like thanksgiving as I’m always counting the many ways I’m blessed lately. I guess birthdays in a way are like Thanksgiving, another time to count our good fortunes.

Turning 20 has also made me realize I’m the same person I was at 9yrs old. I suppose ones soul and personality never change only the environment and events around them do.

I have very little idea of what I want for the coming year….good grades, more art, work more consistently and stay clean I suppose. I think I need something more exciting….perhaps I should go to France next summer or something.

I wonder if anyone will read this whole thing. I might delete it. I might not.

I haven’t updated much as this weekhas been pretty awful for me. I’m tight on funds, my friends all rely on me, it’s stressful, and it’s not easy being the one people turn to when they break up with their hooker girlfriend and get kicked out of their house and need somewhere to go, or just aren’t there. Also stressful my phone breaking, having no ids, and starting school. This movie project I was stoked abut was totally not creative or worth working 9 am - 2 am with a shitty check. Work friday was good for Labor Day though.
And school is awesome. Amazing how much more fun learning is when you don’t do drugs[I’m still clean since people have been asking…]. I’m off academic probation sort of and I’m really excited for all my studies. I’m taking French 1, web design, large format photography, art history, and human sexuality.

French men.
I get off work Friday around 3am and head downtown to Trash and the second I walk in these two things[boy in blue is non-offensive] these two things make eye contact with me. And by eye contact I mean come hither man stare that made me feel like I caught an std. They were kind of lurked me for an hour before I decided to investigate. First things first, what in god names are they wearing? Didn’t this look die a slow painful death at Misshapes two years ago… And they were dirty…like dirt under the nails, you need a shower dirty. They than procceded to try and convince me to after party with them and told me they were in a rock n roll band. They also told me I look like a rockstar[I’m wearing a shirt with a dolphin on it…seriously] and kind of followed me around. So grimey.
I don’t know….weird dudes.
Foreign men are always hitting on me…I don’t mind if you’re hot and have a brain.

I totally just watched My Girl. And cried.
And now I’m in the mood to watch Kids…

clearly this was a shit week.
I’m leaving a lot of details out.

I think Friday July 27 was one of my most exhaustingly days I’ve had in months.

For some reason unknown to me I woke around 6am and couldn’t get back to sleep. Read for a bit. And than took the long way to work and laid out in Battery park under a tree for a bit[one of favorite places to do so] - it was morning so I had the lovely experience of dew dripping on me - I love that! At work we went out on a hectic four hour[usually we only do three] sail with lots of champagne rolling and crazy Brits! Also nabbed my first sunburn of the season ! It’s only on my shoulders but it’s quite red. It was lots of fun none the less and I finally had some cash in my pockets again.

Than I got some taro Bubble Tea and sat outside spitting tapioca balls at tourists for a bit. I went to the pharmacy but because junkies stole my wallet[I keep passing the junkie that did too which is really fucking weird…] I could not afford my medications.

I came home and found something that broke my heart - my ex of barely a month had recently been telling me he still loved me and missed me etc etc. So I go to his myspace to leave a message regarding me stopping by his bar after work to get him some of his stuff - and notice his pictures of him and his new “wonder wheel” hugging and tongue-ing. Real fucking cute. Have some tact! Way to kick a gal when she’s down.

Anyways as much as that sucks - the fact that people actually came to Riffi just to give me hugs and pep talks more than makes up this. That’s real love. Much love to all you.

After that I got ready to go go and Frog and I headed into NYC. I walked in and since the Adult Drawing peeps were short a model I did that too. Essentially I go-go-ed and on breaks I modeled. I went into a bathroom with a bunch of people and I got pissed at someone in there for disrespecting my friend and got in a fight. I think I’m a very angry person lately. Seriously though don’t disrespect my friends. Especially my lady friends. A handful of my favorite boys were there Sam, Ian, Nikola, Bronques, English, Mitch from BA which was great. And of course Jess, Brendon, Malfunction. I was pretty much spent by 3am and a little while later I ran off into the night with a good friend of mine for an adventure.

I got tucked into bed sometime around like 8am….and woke up on Saturday around 1pm and immediately had Brunch at Life Cafe with Frog and Zoe. When I got home my hangover made me feel like shit. So I would like to let you all in on one of Sineads HELPFUL HANGOVER TIP! If you feeling mad sick to your tummy drink some yummy pink pepto - just rinse out a shot glass - one from the night before is fine - fill it to the top - down it. Down a bottle of water. Eat some melon. Feel better in an hour or two! <3

I stayed in Saturday night as is customary for me. Watched Valley of the Dolls[book is better] and Dancer in the Dark. Cleaned my kitchen. Had a heart to heart with my cat.

Some pictures from Adult Drawing:

These pictures are courtesy of Burning Angel:

The back room at Riffi where it took place. I love that they call it the back room.

It sounds really dirty….yet I feel like it’s the cleanest place at Riffi.

Morgan and Mayhem are so beautiful!

I touched their boobies..

She was drawing on a Village Voice paper which I loved.

That’s a picture Joanna drew of me on Doug…emm dig the hairy face!

I love JoJo. She is responsible for making me sign important documents saying that I’m legal and 19 even though I keep telling her I’m 16 and smelling my vajayjay. See that scared face she has. I think that’s the face she makes when she thinks of me.

Morgan has bullet proof nipple covers. Not pasties. I got to get some of these as I live next to the projects and am afraid someone just might shoot my nips off one day!

Photos courtesy of Bronques:

Mr. English and I share a love of plaid shirts!

I FUCKING LOVE THIS SONG YESSSSSS

The picture is dedicated to Lil Mama. Lip Gloss YO!

It’s also dedicated to the mad attitude problem I had in that bathroom.

I love you Zoe. Don’t let anyone fuck with you! The college years!

My bedroom is indeed silver!

I look a mess here but it was 6am, I had been up since 6am. I love you Fungi.

 The follower courtesy Nikki Johnson:

Morgan and I posing together.

Doug was out of control and it was awesome!!!

Dirty shoes. Torn lace. Hidden drink.

You know how I roll!

Ok I’m out sweets!