I’m sick. I lost my voice. Had to cancel more photoshoots. In the past two weeks I’ve had to cancel 4 shoots. I’m so embarrassed. First I was puking non stop and now I don’t have my voice. I feel like a big flake.

Was supposed to go out to AVN for Fleshbot and shoot a ton of porn stars but Gawker cut the budget…a lot(I was already going out there with a super cheap day rate) and I’m not going. Anyone who has seen me lately knows it’s all I’ve been talking about. My parents were pretty proud of me and excited. My mom was stoked.

I’m fucking broke. Sick. And frustrated.

I’m really disappointed. This sucks.

I’m supposed to see family and some Cirque thing Sunday but I doubt I’ll be up for it.

If anyone wants to hire me to take pictures that would be great.
Otherwise I’ll be here. Trying to pretend I’m not miserable.

Major rant after the jump

And fuck people who never change. Who never try to figure out where they go wrong and instead point fingers at everyone else. I’ve made my mistakes in life. I admit this. I move on from them. I don’t know how trying to help people can be interpreted as self absorbed and immature. Honestly if you see that you need to change how you look at people.

I’m also tired of people assuming everything they know about off this blog. This is a journal of me, my life, my art, my experiences and things I find interesting….so yes I probably do come off as self absorbed. Although any of my real friends and co-workers can speak differently of me.

It must be nice to have Daddy foot the bill for everything. To find all your friendships online. How empty are you inside? How much does it suck to have your nudes everywhere? You sent nudes to any guy who gave you attention? THAT IS SELF ABSORBED. Or just sad. You need men to tell you you are pretty naked… constantly. And you can keep saying you did that “underage” but the truth is most weren’t. You were a stripper at legal age. Why can’t you keep friendships? Why are you always “breaking up” with people?

I’m over it. I tried to give you advice because I thought you were being ripped off and you took offense. Someone tried to help you and you get offended.

I let you back in my life after you took my heart and threw it on the ground. After you put me through more emotional distress than anyone ever has. You called me when you were od-ing and I was the one who picked up despite me having stopped talking to you since you were a major issue in my drug abuse. You accused me of vile things that were false such as being raped because You are ashamed of your sexuality. You put me though hell and I let you back in my life only for you to be the same bitch you were before. I loved you but now I realized I was wrong about that. Your a cunt and deserve nothing I did for you. I regret every care package I sent you, every plane ride, every inside joke. You are a horrible person. You refuse to be honest with people and use them as you see fit.

Fuck you. I regret ever having you in my life. My friends never liked you and always warned me about our relationship. I wish I had listened to them.

YOU BREAK UP FRIENDSHIPS ON THE REGULAR. YOU HAVE A NEW BEST FRIEND EVERY SIX MONTHS. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG….WITH YOU. NOT THEM.

In other news I’m gonna probably pick up a part time job, at least for the holidays. I could use the extra money although it won’t be going towards gifts. My family isn’t exchanging this year.

Fuck this economy. It’s hitting closer and closer to home. I hate watching friends lose jobs.

If I had more money I’d be drunk.