I’m horny [nothing new there] and Halloween is coming up…so this got me thinking about a classification system for penises based off the candy aisle. Theres FUN SIZED, CANDY BAR, KING SIZED, and JUMBO SIZED.

Tiny disappointing dicks that leave you wanting more…well they’re “FUN SIZED” but in all honesty there ain’t nothing fun about them. I guess the fact that giving a “FUN SIZED” dick a blow job is like sucking my thumb is kind of cool…oh wait no it’s not - it’s totally fucking boring.

Normal or average dicks are “CANDY BAR” … “CANDY BAR” are aight - they’re most def satisfy me and are worthy of a long term relationship[yes I’ll be a douchebag and say it - I can’t be in a relationship with a “Fun Sized”]. I can ride the candy bar into the sunset on non drugged ecstasy.

My favorite type of dick is “KING SIZED”…honestly I don’t get these bitches who be bitching it hurts. We all know there ain’t nothing better than a nice big cock. Maybe I’m just a greedy bitch but I’m all about “KING SIZED” - and my girl Yumna agrees. It’s only a quarter more at the counter girls so why not treat yourselves?

“JUMBO SIZED” dicks are like those three foot candy bars they sell at the Hershey’s store in Times Sq - way too big, totally unnecessary, they mostly exist for novelty purposes and tend to leave you sore after devouring one. I mean really who wants a fucking 18 inch penis? So that way when you do me in the butt you fuck my whole digestive track? Fuck “JUMBO SIZED” … there is such a thing as way too much of a good thing.

I’m still trying to figure out what choads are. I was thinking Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups but I loooove them and can not label the choad a candy I love. Suggestions are more than welcome.

Anyways that’s enough about my dick classification system! Shoutout to Carl who I had a crazy shoot on the beach where I got sand in my ass the other day!

Also Frog discovered my theme song - it’s Windrose by Funkwerkstatt. Peep it.

Loves you all!