I’m turning 20.

I think 20 is a more meaningful birthday than 21….mostly because being able do anything legally has never met shit to me. But the idea that I’ve been alive two decades and will no longer be a teenager is comforting, and disturbing at the same time.

This year has been rough. I’ve had some really beautiful moments but mostly I’ve found myself in a lot of pain and the realization that things don’t get easier, you just learn to cope.

Sept.9, 2006 started with my amazing birthday party and than finding out a friend had od-ed and was hospitalized. I was still a drug addict, and dated my drug dealer which finally made me reach what I suppose were my lowest lows in being a cocaine addict. I originally tried to quit that December and ended up going strong for two and half weeks before going back. The death of another friend and a binge that ended up in a severe crashing nervous break down finally made me seek rehab. I went to rehab while in school and ended up doing really shitty at school. My favorite professor passed away. Getting clean was like learning how to walk again except I was learning how to live again. It was also paranoia, nervous breakdowns, not being able to sleep and having to cut people out. I relapsed once and it was the most horrible thing in the world - I’m not proud of relapsing but in a way it was important for me as it led me to many realizations and in many ways just another part of my recovery. I dated a guy who didn’t give a shit about me and I mostly felt like his trophy, I loved him or so I thought but eventually I knew he wasn’t good enough for me. He still broke my heart though and I will never date a human of so little character and depth again. A very close friend of mine passed away in July, and still isn’t a day I don’t think of her - losing her was the hardest thing I went though this year. July and August was a lot of misfortune[thefts, roommate not paying rent] and just me trying to make it through the motions.

There’s so much more to this year but to write it all would be a novel.

So this Sunday on Sept.9, 2007 - I’ll be 20.

It feels like thanksgiving as I’m always counting the many ways I’m blessed lately. I guess birthdays in a way are like Thanksgiving, another time to count our good fortunes.

Turning 20 has also made me realize I’m the same person I was at 9yrs old. I suppose ones soul and personality never change only the environment and events around them do.

I have very little idea of what I want for the coming year….good grades, more art, work more consistently and stay clean I suppose. I think I need something more exciting….perhaps I should go to France next summer or something.

I wonder if anyone will read this whole thing. I might delete it. I might not.